I think it’s a huge joke trying to pass Kristen Stewart as fairer than Charlize Theron in any land.

Please Be My Friend, Sleep.

My insomnia has been running rampant these past few days and I blame it on my stupid brain for not shutting the fuck up.  But I’m sitting here with Futurama on, two lights, and my computer shoved in my face so I think it may be that I need to grasp the concept of sleeping better.  My life seems to be a series of naps and I’m pretty sure that if I would like to assimilate myself as a productive member of society, I’m gonna need to fix this shit. 

Or maybe I should aim at something more probable than becoming an actual grown-up like not be a walking zombie on a daily basis.  My list of goals that can actually come true if I learn to sleep like a normal human being:

1. Brush/do my hair so I no longer look like I rolled in the bushes for ten minutes before I leave in the morning.
2. Actually put on make-up for once so I don’t look pasty with dark, puffy eyes. (Not a good look for me.)
3. Put more effort into my apparel other than what I find on top of my disturbing clothes pile.
4. Leave for work/school on time so I don’t have to pray to the traffic gods to please make sure that some moron doesn’t forget that hitting other people is a no-no.

So my action plan is now either to lay in complete darkness, count sheep, or self-medicate with Tyenol PM and/or Benedryl.

Open Letter to Cox

Dear Cox Communications, 

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I just wanted to commend you on your tremendous efforts to ensure that my brain is working at its highest capacity.  I especially enjoyed solving that algorithm to determine when exactly someone will be able to answer my phone call to help with my problem.  Also, how did you know that the first two times I called you about my billing issue that they were just practice runs?  I am a meticulous planner and test runs are vital to me so I know exactly what to expect when I am ready to commit to having my issue solved.

 .

As you may already know, speaking with your customer service is like singing in a choir with baby angels and I was blessed enough to speak with nine representatives, each more pleasant than the last.  It was an extreme boost to my self esteem how all of your sales representatives wanted to speak with me when all I wanted was the billing department.  I suspect I was getting the billing secret code word wrong so I completely understand why no one wanted to connect me.  You must be so proud of your impenetrable first line of defense there.  If only Mussolini had the sense that you do; maybe then he wouldn’t have found himself upside down on that meat hook. 

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Cox Communications, especially the Irvine branch that I get the privilege to speak with, is ranked so high on my list of favorite things, I thought I would share it so you can know how giddy it makes me to call you my cable/internet company.

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1.       Ripping my uterus out with only a rusty spoon and Playskool’s My First Surgery Kit.

2.       Donating my outer layer of skin to those pesky leather seats.

3.       Crying tears of acid.

4.       Cox Communications.

5.       Jump roping with my very own entrails.

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It is very hard for me to articulate just how fantastic you are so I hope this list helped put it all in perspective for you.

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Thank you, once again, for going above and beyond my expectations and proving just what a wonderful company you are.  I am very aware of how lucky I am to be bent over and raped by you on a monthly basis.

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Angrily yours,

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Jacqueline McStabby    

P.S.  I hope you are using protection.  You can never be too careful this day and age.

Recipexic

I have a sickness. 

There’s this part of my brain that short circuits when my eyes fall upon a recipe and I can’t do anything else until I rip it out and stash it away to basically be forgotten.  It’s like June Cleaver takes over my body and gets super excited over the prospect of serving Ward and the Beav something new for dinner.  (I’m pretty sure I’m missing a kid.  I’m a horrible June reincarnation).  It could be for something bizarre and borderline insane but I still happily rip away while drooling and thinking, “Oh these Hamster Balls would be great as appetizers for my imaginary dinner party.”  I have yet to throw any sort of food gathering.

The worst part is that I have recipes stashed all around my room, but I still make the same basic 7 things to shove in my face.  And I think 70% of those don’t even require heat.  And half of those may or may not be cereal related.  Either way, I can’t even begin to explain or defend my stupid disorder.  It has gotten to the point where I open my underwear drawer and see a recipe for Beef and Pepper Stir-Fry before I see panties. 

My Current Recipe Filing System:

• Top right desk drawer:  Baking recipes          
• Right middle desk drawer: Italian recipes
• Right bottom desk drawer: Barefoot Contessa recipes (however since she refused to see that Make-A-Wish kid, I’m fairly sure she is the devil and may burn them to cleanse myself from her.)
• Nail Polish Drawer: Mediterranean recipes
• Panty drawer: Asian-inspired recipes
• Yoga pant drawer: Pie recipes. 

And these are just the ones that follow any cohesive pattern.

Rather than seeking professional help, I have decided to make my own recipe book with awful paint drawings to compile all my recipes into one spot.  I figure this way if there are all in one convenient location, maybe I’ll make them.  Probably not.  I realistically figure this will all end with my book sitting pretty on a shelf and me still sifting through Asian recipes to find my panties for the day.

Lavender Spring

I love to bake.  There is something soothing about finding flavors that compliment each other and all the mixing and even playing around in all the flour.  It makes me feel like Dr. Frankenstein but my creations are always way tastier but not necessarily better behaved. 

Yesterday I found a blog called The Cupcake Project and she had posted a reminder about a contest she is hosting called The Ice Cream Cupcake Contest.  It is also being hosted by Scoopalicious, for those who dig ice cream more than cupcakes.  I definitely wanted to play. The first thing that popped into my brain was, “Oooh pink armadillo tequila!!” (we got new samples at work and I am ADD).  After I fawned a bit over the bottle, I started thinking cupcakes again and thought about lavender.  I had made some lavender shortbread cookies not too long ago and they were beyond amazing.  Now that I have found out how delicious lavender was, I try and sneak it into anything and everything.  I decided to make lavender cupcakes with natural vanilla bean ice cream inside, topped with orange/lime cream cheese frosting.  The combination reminds me of spring time so I named my creation, Lavender Spring.

The recipe for these amazing little beasts…

Lavender Cupcakes

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 tsp dried lavender flowers

1/2 cup unsalted butters

2 eggs

1 cup all purpose flour

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. Put sugar and the lavender flowers in a food processor and process briefly to combine.
3. Combine lavender sugar and butter in a bowl and beat until pale sand fluffy.
4. Add eggs one at a time, beating and mixing completely between additions.
5. Sift flour, baking powder, and salt into the butter mixture and fold in.
6. Still in milk.
7. Spoon mixture into cupcake pan.  Bake in preheated oven for about 18 min.  The cupcake is down when golden and a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean.
8. Cool on a wire rack.

Orange/Lime Cream Cheese Frosting

1/4 cup butter

8oz cream cheese

1/2 tsp orange and lime zest

2 tsp orange and lime juice

2 cups powdered sugar

Directions

1. Combine butter and cream cheese and beat until combined
2. Add half of the powdered sugar, citrus juice, and zest to the butter/cream cheese mixture and beat on high speed to combine.
3. Add remaining powdered sugar in stages until desired consistency and sweetness is achieved.

Assembly

I cut off the top of the cupcake and used a grapefruit spoon to dig a hole in the bottom half.  I added some all natural vanilla bean ice cream to the hole, then added back its cupcake hat.  I froze the cupcakes for about ten minutes to let the ice cream harden up again.  Once they were nice and chilly, I piped a swirl of frosting and garnished it with some more dried lavender flowers.

I’ve never seen the boys eat something so fast.  Plus, once I found the dogs fighting over the cupcake that they stole while it was cooling on the rack, I knew they were good.

And I think that I need to work on my food photography…

5 Reasons Why Sophia is Superior to Children

1. Child Protective Services are not called when you put her in a cage.  In fact, most people encourage caging her for behavior modification.

2. She looks like a mini-Falcor.

3. She can make you money by standing guard and collecting tolls on your bridge.

4. She happily takes the position of Kitty Litter Attendant.

5. She builds your self esteem because even on your worst day, you don’t look like her on her best day.  I mean, look at that unibrow…

Excuse Me Sir, Are You Dead?

I’ve spent weeks trying to pinpoint what exactly I’ve been smelling in my office.  I’ve figured out that the stench of rot and decay has been emanating from a certain individual who, shall we say, looks as though their face is slowly to run away by melting and/or flaking off.  It’s not pretty.  Because of his appearance and decaying odor I and fairly certain that he is undead.  Now my issue is confirming this.  I can’t exactly ask him outright, “Excuse me sir, are you dead?”  My plan is to ask strategic questions designed to give me an insight to what he is thinking and wanting.  For instance, “What snack would you prefer?  I have tasty brains or celery.”

Maybe that’s not so subtle.  I’ll work on that.  In the mean time, excuse me while I purchase my body weight in air fresheners.